146# I'm done

146# I'm done

I don't know how shall i begin...

Physically, mentally. I'm done.

If IMU rejects my application. I give up in studying medicine. I give up in pursuing my dream as a doctor. I give up in my future which i wanted.

From deep inside i understand. Medicine does not meant for me to study with. According to my academic results, it is really hard for a medical university to accept me.

Even though i have 1000 reasons which i want to study medicine, i want to be a doctor in the future. But i have one fact which enough to cancel off all those 1000 reasons that i have.

My mind would like to study medicine. But my body can't take the pressure. For those who were close to me, you know. For the pass 1.5 years in taylors, how did i suffered. Anorexia. I could not eat. Once i did, everything threw out.

Before i could go to have meals with my collegemates, the first thing i needed to do was to puke in the toilet. Before i could go sit for any exam papers during the AS, the first thing i needed to do was to puke in the toilet.

After my meals, regardless what i had eaten, i puke beside the road, into the drains. After my exam papers during the AS, if i did not do well, i puke in the toilet.

My oesofagus is meant to swallow, not the other way round. This health problem had disturbed me for more than a year. When i spat, my phlegm was accompanied by some black substances, which i suspected it as a dried blood. And occasionally i spat out red blood together with my phlegm.

My body is not afford to suffer all of these. I am weak in handling pressures. Even though i feel relieved when listen to music, play the guitar, or do sports. But mentally the stress within is irremoveable. And i did not recover from these though i went for the doctors and took pills.

I was adviced to increase the intake of vitamin B by taking oral pills, by my sister. But the outcome was not noticable. Memorizings during studies need high amount of Vitamin B. And lacking of this vitamin causes one's stress.

There are reasons why sometimes i remain silent. There are reasons why sometimes i get mad out of sudden. There are reasons why i would become so violet. There are reasons why i got such a results in my A levels.

For more than a few times i was about to give up A levels. But the burdens of my future, and the name of the family stopped me more than once from slitting my wrists.

If God sees this, why did not He take these away from me?

I don't think that medicine really suits me. Although i really like it, but to overcome the first 5 years of MBBS is an important thing i need to consider before i could reach my goal as a doctor. I doubt my ability to overcome it. Even though me myself could, but my body not necessary would.