250# Andante of dark November raining
I hate the rain.
I'm uncertain of the reason why. It might bring back some unwanted, sad memories. And it makes people feel very insecure.
The rain recently has pulled down by mood drastically.
Not only i lost my mood for studying, basically i lost my mood for everything.
In turn, what i got are just frustrations and the desire to kill.
A low level of endorphin killed my feelings. I felt so sorry for not being able to talk to the people around me. It's so easy to distinguish the normal me and the abnormal me.
The abnormal version, i'd just remain silent or being inactivated.
And the condition was not rectified even until people called me to go for lunch, as for Roney's birthday.
Seriously, although i was still able to talk with they all, but deep inside i felt very imbalanced.
Maybe it was because of the rain got worse. When i saw the chairs in front of me, i felt like using the chair to smash on somebody's head.
Random, anyone can do. As long as my hands could feel the impact of smashing someone's skull by the chair. The feeling is indescribable. And i deeply believe that would make my mood to be better.
However, the reason why i am here is to heal, not to kill.
Eventually the laughters around extinguished the thoughts in me. I regained some smiles in the end.
I'd say i'm pushing myself too much. I always try to get further. I've attained my goal. And i just need to maintain my achievement.
Somehow, maintaining the level and pushing into a higher level is totally two different things. If i did not scored that high, i wouldn't force myself so much. What i'd need to do is to score higher.
But what i face is to maintain my level, i can't push on no more. I expect myself to reach that level again during the up coming summative.
Apparently i need to overcome all of these before i could proceed.
Besides, i admire the people around me.
They have their reasons to be upset. I'm upset too, because i feel sad that i have no reason to be upset.
Got me? At least they have someone to think of, to miss with and to go after. And i have no one.
It might be worse to have no one to think of. What kind of abstractive thought i could imagine? Simply get a person to miss with?
Being alone for 3 years isn't that fun. But i don't feel regret at all for the decision i have made.
Nemesis, the goddess of vengeance. Heal me.